“Reach out if you’re feeling down”. “I am here for you”.
Any time someone struggles with inner problems and try to overdose, try to kill themselves, states their depressive thoughts, etc people always do the “we are here for you”. While I do know a lot of you mean well and a lot of you truly mean it, I am not too sure if you really understand what is going through our heads.
I have wanted to die. I have physically hurt myself. I have overdosed. I have struggled with the worst depression and anxiety. I have not wanted to be alive. I have thought life would be better if I was not on this earth. I have felt like a burden to my friends, my jobs, past boyfriends. I have had moments off and on where I thought “this is it, I cannot go on” and I think tonight is the night I do it.
I reach out. I tell people how I feel. At first it was people being nice. At first I felt like people really cared. The feelings came and went, so with those episodes, my friends started to think I was crying wolf. “You will get over it”. “Life isn’t that bad”.
You know what, I know life isn’t that bad. I know that I have more to live for. I know things just suck right now. But guess what, my brain is telling me this is the end of the world and that this feeling is never going away. Telling a person to get over a feeling that they cannot even explain why they have it in the first place is the worst piece of advice you can give.
You sit there and have this inner struggle with yourself meanwhile the people you think who love and care about you start to lose interest and just think it is a never ending cycle. Some even think it is about wanting attention. Let me tell you, people who feel this way do not want attention. They need help. They need someone to listen. They need someone to just be present. We do not need you to tell us “it will get better” or “life goes on”, because we hear this all the time, however we do not feel it. The inner battle is so fucking hard. The depressing thoughts are overwhelming. This is why some people think leaving the universe is the only way to fix it.
It took me 10 years. 10 years to figure out I do not want to die. I am only 29 years old. I have wanted to die for 10 years.
I work out, I play video games, I hike, I climb, I volunteer, I paint, I write, I travel. These are my outlets. When I do these, I feel good. I escape. When I started to hike, I had this overwhelming feeling of being alive. I feel the best when I am out there, away from people. For those minutes and hours, I feel like the only person on earth and it is the most rewarding and refreshing feeling on earth. I am alone and this is the only way I know how to be me. I do not know how to be anything but alone and in my thoughts. I do not share my feelings with many people, I have never been in love nor really got close with any male, hell I do not get close with many people. This last year I have had a transition in my thoughts and I am open with what I experience now, but getting to this point has been rough.
I may have not defeated the anxiety, but I think the darkness I have finally escaped from. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. It does get better, see, I feel it…now. But in my darkest moments, hearing that phrase makes you feel miserable and like something inside of you is broken.
I got this far from people giving up on me. I am one of the few lucky ones. Not many can say everyone gave up on them and they are still here today. I am happy. I am successful. I try to do what I can to keep my brain busy. I try to help people who are going through what I went through before I got to my own breakthrough.
I just hope that those who do suffer from depression read this and know they can actually talk to me. I do not want to be here just when you are feeling down. I want to be here for all your feelings and experiences. I want to be here for your good days. I want to be here for your bad days. I want to be here for you when you find a new experience that makes YOU feel alive.
I fell in love with feeling alive and want to spread all the love I can while I am still on this earth.
Feeling alive is way better than saying goodbye.